Nuclear families - is it the norm or a choice

From the time I've been around ( not that I am very ancient), but long enough to see the changes happening in family settings especially in the middle classes.

Talking of Chennai, the city has changed, progressed and has come a long way since I was a kid. It now is truly deserving of the title 'Metro city". The slums continue to be there, the dumps, pollution and crowds have only increased, but the change I see now, is in the residents- their attitude.

Having said that, what I saw as a kid was houses full of people. Every household would have grandparents, sometimes, uncles and aunts thrown in as well. It used to be a matter of shame not to have a grandparent around to tell you mythological stories every night. Few of my friends who were deprived, were a miserable lot and would shy away with a complex for not having grandparents, uncles and aunts around.

As I grew up, it was thought to be very wrong if people chose to live as a nuclear family without additional tags of their parents, brothers or sisters. The daughter-in-laws were termed "house breakers" for trying to lure their husbands away and start living in their own terms and conditions. Many such "bahus" were shunned and were thought to be a bad example to other girls ( both unwed and wedded ones). Their freedom and lifestyle was envied by many. I have heard my mother and other aunts discuss among themselves about those lucky ladies who knew how to steer their husbands away from interfering in-laws. The new found financial freedom and unfettered lifestyle, no customs and rituals to be followed as per family norms, the freedom to choose to spend your money and leisure the way you like and most of all having a say in the way you want your children brought up - these were the positives tilting the heavy points pro nuclear family. Women were starting to get assertive and found this freedom gave them the opportunity to explore new vistas of life. It was not just the women, but also the men. It is a well known fact that "Happier a woman is, the less complicated will be a man's life". A satisfied woman is capable of taking care of her entire family ( her man included) very well and keep them happy too. This suited the men as, all they want is a simple, uncomplicated life so they can get on with their pet projects.

With the advent of this widely accepted new lifestyle, people don't find a nuclear family as something peculiar or new. On the contrary, if you come across a joint family, that would be termed as peculiar under the present living situation. People refuse to compromise on their freedom and space and are quite open about it. Most of the present generation ( who themselves are byproducts of nuclear families) have no understanding of a joint family and its significance.

This again, I feel is because of the financial independence and the luxuries that one can afford with the money. An acquaintance of mine, a modern woman who works full time, with a 3 kids , believes that she can be truly happy only when she is in-charge and runs the family the way she desires. She prefers to hire a cook and two maids for house work rather than have her in-laws around. She is unwilling to share her territory. Now, who am I or you to judge her? She finds comfort in ruling the roost in her kingdom. While her mother-in-law laments having lost her son to a possessive witch.

The most recent trend that I am noticing now is the great demand for parents to play the role of grand parents!! Young married couples now realize that their children are safe when taken care of by their own grandparents and they also stand to gain a lot by this. No extra salary for baby sitting. The parents double up as cleaners and cooks also. Parents also unflinchingly go ahead and help out when ever they can. Its because of the boundless love and affection that they have towards their children that the parents go abroad to foreign lands and serve their kids.

A neighbouring family of mine an old man-aged 78 and his wife aged around 73. They do their regular rounds to the USA to help out their daughter and son with their small children. Each time after VISA period is over they return to India. When they breath the air here and meet with their siblings, kith and kin, they find incredible joy. When they go to live with their children, they describe it as a a luxurious life, but within a "golden cage", a "cage" nevertheless. They get all the luxuries, get to visit new places etc. but their freedom is severely curbed. Once back in India, they are independent and go about visiting people and places as they please.

It is in this context that I am now seeing several senior people preferring a gated community or retirement home, where they can be secure and mix with like minded people. They make plans and go on jolly trips, pilgrimages and have lot of fun doing activities they love doing, pursuing their hobbies etc. There are a few such places in India, that offer these things in totality and are really as good as they claim to be. One such place that is coming up is Melur Meadows - a gated community near Coimbatore. I learnt about this in their web site www.melurmeadows.com Upon further inquiry, i have come to know of some of my NRI friends who have gone in for a property for their parents to stay when in India. It is more or less like a resort with community kitchen, medicare, hobby centre, gym, spa, swimming pools and so much more and the company lets it out on rent when the owners are not occupying it.

I would like to know your opinion on such communities that are cropping up in India. Is independent living good for old people? Are they happier when they are in their mother land, living among like-minded people, their siblings and friends? Are they not supposed to be living with their own children whether they are in India or abroad? Are seniors happy when they have the freedom and mobility to do what they like, when they like? What is your take on this?