Two extremes of a spectrum – The young and the Old…..

India in the last few decades has emerged as a very mobile society of working women and busy homes. It favors a youth culture, which caters to the youthful energy of people in their prime. Consequently, those who live at the extreme spectrums of society such as old dependent parents, parents-in-law may be looked upon as a burden and find themselves placed in the care of day nurseries or homes for the aged.

At one end of the spectrum we have the young. After having a child a woman may want to return to work to help supplement the family income. Men do not object to working partners as it helps maintain an upwardly mobile lifestyle. Working women often do not have the convenience of an extended family where the mother-in-law / father-in-law can take care of young children until their parents returns from the office or workplace. As a result pre-school children are often placed in day care centers where they are supervised by trained adults and engaged in a variety of planned activities, arts and crafts and games. While in these centers children are socialized to get along with others their own age and to express themselves creatively through art and music. Parents, while busy at work are relieved that her child is in the good, supervised care of professional adults. It is a business transaction. They pay the caretakers and in return, their children are taken care of. There are no strings attached and they need not make any adjustments at home or in their lifestyle, which they would have to if they had old parents / in-laws living with them.

What they lack is the unconditional love from grand-parents, empathy towards older people and an skill sets that can only be learnt from interaction with elders in the family.

At the other end of the age spectrum are the elderly who also need special and professional care. As the life span if individuals increases in industrialized / developing countries, people now can live well into their late seventh and eighth decades. With good health and monetary independence, many seniors choose to lead an independent life. Some of these elderly people who have no children or surviving spouse have to choose an independent life as they have no choice.

Freedom is the essence of life and the impulse and need to go on leading an independent life, making their own decisions and choosing their own lifestyle is seen as the most essential element for many seniors.
A decent life savings in the bank, helps most old citizens tide through their old age smoothly. Seniors often find that they can no longer take care of themselves. Unfortunately, it is only when ailments, sickness and illness hinder their regular routine , that seniors become dependants. It is a very difficult decision they have to make out of desperation. When their free and independent lives are suddenly under the control of others who treat them with veiled impatience and blatant disregard, their self esteem takes a big knock.

Constant medical care, treatments, check-ups become a routine part of life, which is neither understood as critical or significant by the younger generation who act as caretakers.

Many seniors may be alone and have no family of their own to care for them. In many cases the family of the aged, for a variety of reasons may no longer be able to provide them with the special and professional attention they need.


Consequently, senior citizen homes have developed to serve as centers where the older members of society can spend their declining years in relative comfort while being cared for by people especially trained to deal with the unique problems of the aged.


There is, however, a difference between a senior citizen's residence or retirement home and a nursing home which goes beyond a mere euphemism. In a retirement village such as Melur Meadows, an elderly persons lead a life of pride and dignity. They have not been forced to take accommodation here, rather, this is a place that is sought after by many in the dusk of their lives. A place where peace and harmony co-exist. A place where there are no restrictions. A senior is treated with all the respect and dignity that they deserve. And most important of all, they have the freedom to choose to live life at their own terms.



Melur Meadows provides excellent opportunities to its residents to take up any hobby they desire and to pursue it at their own pace. Be it music, yoga, pottery, dance, cooking, gardening – just about anything !. A special attraction is the opportunity to do community service by way of spreading education or any form of skill or art to the people and children in the nearby villages. Even reading out stories in Tamil to the children/ village folk could serve as an awareness campaign to spread news regarding various important issues.


In a nursing home the occupant may be totally at the mercy and kindness of the staff. They may not be able to feed themselves and may be confined to a wheelchair. In extreme situations they may not be able to recognize those they love. In Melur Meadows, we do have a provision for assisted living, wherein, the management, with is close tie-up with the reputed KPS Hospital, Mettupalayam, can help identify a live-in nurse for round the clock care or our resident nurse at the village will provide her services on call.

In a community, and life in a village like setting, people interact closely and a strong bond of kinship is formed. People from different backgrounds, age groups and professions reside in the village, giving rise to a healthy mixture of culture, age groups, and activities. Visit www.melurmeadows.com for all details.

Whichever part of the spectrum you may belong, do pass on the good message to elders and young alike so that they may experience some of the good things in life.

Role of a father in child rearing..

We often hear of mother's indispensible role in bringing up children. It is true and a mother definitely is indispensible ! She is after all the creator ! So what are father’s there for?

Fathers bring a unique perspective and special strength to raising children. Fathers lay the foundation stone in nurturing and shaping the personality and character of children. Some men have natural fatherly instincts, while sometimes it may have to be cultivated. But, both ways, the payoff in terms of positive effects in growing children is enormous.

A father is some one who shows how to love and be loved. It could be his brilliant smile upon spotting his child amidst hundreds of other school children, it could be his appreciative nod when he sees his child up stage in the school skit or just his crease of concern when his son has had a nightmare. A reassuring smile, a pat on the head, a hug or a swooping embrace – all leaves an indelible mark in the growing child. I don’t once recall a hug or kiss from my father, but I never once doubted his unconditional love for me and my siblings.
Not all fathers are emotive or talkative, but each has his own unique way of showing his child how much he cares. I was married young and due to my immaturity, had a lot of problems adjusting to the new environment of my husband’s family. My in-laws did not have a telephone and the inter-state calls were expensive too. I had to cope in silence. But, I drew strength from the regular letters my father and mother sent me. While my mother wrote long letters, my father’s letters would be short and affectionate with a few words of advice, tips and some old and funny anecdotes to keep me smiling. I still treasure those words of wisdom, love and affection as those are the words that gave me the strength, forbearance and maturity to tackle any situation.

For a father, a very important surrogate way to convey affection to his child is by naturally being loving and affectionate to his wife ( the mother). His concern and care for her shows the children the value of love and the strength of partnership. The open affection between husband and wife is one of the most reassuring and stabilizing elements in a growing child’s life.

Children who have grown up in a female dominated family or in the absence of a father, tend to be either lacking in emotional expression, and tend to be imbalanced in their approach to life OR they sometimes tend to be meek and submissive. Similarly, in male dominated families where women play an insignificant role, the male child tends to develop a disregard or disrespect to the females in the family , a trait he learns from the other men in the family.

The two most important things that a father can give his children are Time and Love, but these are the two things he is least lavish with. Some of the strongest memories that kids latch on to, evolve around routine moments of family life – the mere presence of the father. As a kindergarten kid, my earliest memories are of sitting contentedly beside my father while he sipped his coffee and read the news paper. I would barrage him on every word I could read and pictures I saw in the newspaper. He would never lose his temper or shoo me away. But, his absentminded “mmmMMMM – eh?” followed by a simple explanation of what the article was about was enough to keep me happy.

Fathers can be impatient and may not possess the special vision to see the world through the child’s eye. I once remember my friend Srikanth, an ex- basketball player, took his son to watch a basket-ball match that was happening in the neighbourhood. His son soon lost interest and wanted to go out. My friend was upset and regretted having brought his son along on his ‘one’ free day – Sunday ! and also missing a good match. On the ride back home, they came across a science museum. The kid wanted to go in. Srikanth was amazed to see the sparkle in his son’s eyes. The boy would go from exhibit to exhibit and call out to his dad in excitement. Those precious moments showed Srikanth a view of the world from the perspective of his 6 year old. Not to indulge in a mind-set on “this is how things should be” but, to let go and live the moment.

A father is the one who sets the limits. He may not be the only one who wears the trousers in the house, nevertheless, his authority does count as the “ultimate” in some aspects. The saying goes “ spare the rod and spoil the child” , but physical punishment is almost out of fashion amongst most families in the present days. I grew up with my two older siblings. We did our share of mischief and had terrible fights, but not on ONE occasion can I remember my dad even raising his voice to discipline us. When the occasion warranted, all he would have to do is put on a sad grimace and an unhappy nod to convey all he wanted. To displease my dad was something we would never want. He was the epitome of affection and kindness and we all vied for the “most favourite child” post in his heart. To this day, I’d like to believe that ( up until the grandchildren came) I held that post. My poor mother, in spite of all her boundless love for us, had to take on the role of the non-indulgent, stern matron for the lack of disciplining from my father’s side. It is true that most children despise a teacher who has no control – they tend to take advantage. At the same time, disciplining is a tough job as, children usually reject or dislike the one imposing discipline. But, kids have always profited by fair disciplining in the secure background of love. Fathers who are over-indulgent or who do not dare disciplining their child, will only end up punishing the child. “Punishment is something you DO TO a child”, whereas disciplining is something you DO FOR the child.” The disciplining in the form of grounding, No TV, no calls from friends or no cell phone – what ever it be, loving discipline is designed to teach a lesson.

Children who have been disciplined rather than arbitrarily being punished, have never looked back in anger at their childhood years. It is understandable that at least 75% of parents would have resorted to physical punishment at some point of time on some occasion, while rearing their children. The children of these families have been known to grow up as morally sound, mature and sensible and sensitive adults.

What is it then, about fathers ? I can’t really quantify it, but kids do recognize it. The traditional values that fathers impart, the mutual trust, truth and unconditional love are the things that set father’s apart. Despite all that mothers provide, children feel safe and secure in the presence of their fathers.

COST-EFFECTIVE HOLIDAYS FOR A LIFETIME

Summer holidays, spring holidays, winter holidays… time to go on a holiday!!! Is this the case in all our homes? When my son comes home at the beginning of the holidays with a long face and a list of exotic places that his friends’ are going for the holidays, I feel depressed. Is having a great holiday the prerogative of only a few well-to-do families?

There are two ways to spend a holiday… one is to spend a few hundred thousand on an expensive holiday, and having only memories in return. Of course, the entire family is happy!!! Is this happiness and joy going to last forever?

I did not know of any alternate way of having a good holiday until I came to know about alternative living and community living projects in scenic locations. Most of these projects are promoted as living for the retired people, but it is not only for them. Even working couples and nuclear families can invest in one of these projects, which may cost a little more than an expensive holiday. The family has a permanent holiday home to go to. And if that holiday home is located in a scenic place with lots of places to explore, it becomes even more interesting. Such holidays promote healthy living and give the children the fresh air and energy that is very much needed for their rejuvenation.

When we go on an expensive holiday we try to pack as much as possible into the holiday. We all want full value for our money. At the end of the holiday, we are more stressed, tired and feel like having another holiday to recover from the first one!!!

Holidays are meant to be enjoyed with the family. It is that time of the year when working couples get to know their children better, and their elders too. To make this time precious and valuable, investing in a community living project is a viable option… the benefit is three-fold… you invest in good property, you have a holiday home, and you spend quality time with your family….Welcome to Melur Meadows. COME AND CATCH UP WITH HAPPY LIVING.

What marriage / partnership is all about...

When we talk about successful partnership or marriage, we immediately conclude it is the fine tuned compatibility , understanding, and power sharing that aids it. It is true. But where understanding, power or work sharing is concerned – it is a purely subjective matter. Each partnership has its own way of working out the work pattern they want to follow.

We hear a lot about 50-50 marriage and the soaring success formula for a happily ever after life.. well, according to recent surveys ( survey of educated- working couple families) , men are contributing more towards household chores including child rearing and education. Still, this would not account for much. As a comparative ratio, while an average working women may be spending 25-30 hours ( or more) per week for household chores including cooking, cleaning, child-care and shopping, an average man would perhaps be contributing about 2 -4 hours per week towards lending a hand in the household activities. ( most likely shopping).

So, where does this leave us ? The above survey certainly does not depict a 50-50 sharing of chores. But, one must understand that a no two days of a married life are the same. There is constant shifts and changes of priority, time and duty. While one week, the husband may feel very grateful towards his wife who has taken out time to settle the property tax and other investment issues, resulting in his helping out with cleaning / shopping chores, the gratitude may not last long if during that week – IPL matches are being broadcast back to back. That is a time when the wife has to come to terms with the fact that when it comes to Cricket, TV comes before wife and kids.

We keep hearing about “togetherness and sharing” of activities to bring about closeness. Well, I have my reservations in this aspect. Take the example of my friend Chitra’s husband who took to bird watching. He would want her along in all his treks and trips to bird sanctuaries and resorts. In the beginning it was romantic and helped because they got to spend more time alone together. But, as this hobby grew to passion and dream, the prospect of travelling on a hot, humid day to a remote place to watch birds and note down their activities, photograph them and wait in the darkroom alongside him while the pictures “developed”.... that was asking for too much from Chitra. So, Chitra had to extricate herself from the joint activity. There have been instances of big battles in kitchen starting with something as harmless as “joint-cooking”.

This “togetherness and sharing” model flopped mostly because it did not take into account individual choices or preference. It is rigid and the expectations are extreme. It takes some people some time to realise that some activities are “Solo” activities which will be enjoyable only when done alone.

I can say that “I” man ( or rather woman) 95% of the household duties and chores. I do it with pride and joy. I am happy that the balance 5% comprises of jobs that I cannot do or do not want to do. This balance was struck after several years of marriage, several shifts and trials in duty allocation. At different points, we did different things. For instance, when I was newly married, the shopping was a joint venture. Then, when the kids came, shopping was not on my list of duties. When it was schooling time for kids, I was partly involved in shopping while I received partial help in house management, cooking etc. Finally, now that the kids are grownup, I pretty much do everything except being a tailor and barber for my husband. But, I am able to balance these chores easily because I work only part-time and have more time on my hands as against my husband who works full time – tackling a lot of problems and risks at his work place.

Power sharing is another major issue in the lives of younger generation. There was a time when the women would just say “yes dear” and do all that was expected of them. Now, women question the need or want for such an expectation. Take the example of my cousin Radha. She was expected to stay at home and care for the children. Any chore that would entail her going out was a strict “NO NO”. As the kids grew, she enrolled as a teacher in their school, it was not met with much objection as she accompanied the children to and from school. Gradually, she took up higher studies and graduated and found bigger and better jobs. This too was met with approval. Finally there came a time when her husband just wanted to relax at home while Radha took care of everything. Given time, everything changes – from a village lass to modern day top executive – this is the change that Radha’s life took. Her perseverance, patience and positive approach to life made it all possible.

The problem with 50-50 marriage model lies with the unrealistic expectations many people harbour. No two people can split a marriage in half as if it were an apple. No two people can be identical in emotions, interests and responsibilities. No two people can divide their authority and skills in some “fair” way.

Emotional equality is when both partners feel equally loved and cared for, share in family decision making and feel that they are contributing equally to the family’s well being –whether it is cooking, cleaning, shopping, child rearing (or watching TV !! ) it is this kind of 50-50 model that actually works