Role of a father in child rearing..

We often hear of mother's indispensible role in bringing up children. It is true and a mother definitely is indispensible ! She is after all the creator ! So what are father’s there for?

Fathers bring a unique perspective and special strength to raising children. Fathers lay the foundation stone in nurturing and shaping the personality and character of children. Some men have natural fatherly instincts, while sometimes it may have to be cultivated. But, both ways, the payoff in terms of positive effects in growing children is enormous.

A father is some one who shows how to love and be loved. It could be his brilliant smile upon spotting his child amidst hundreds of other school children, it could be his appreciative nod when he sees his child up stage in the school skit or just his crease of concern when his son has had a nightmare. A reassuring smile, a pat on the head, a hug or a swooping embrace – all leaves an indelible mark in the growing child. I don’t once recall a hug or kiss from my father, but I never once doubted his unconditional love for me and my siblings.
Not all fathers are emotive or talkative, but each has his own unique way of showing his child how much he cares. I was married young and due to my immaturity, had a lot of problems adjusting to the new environment of my husband’s family. My in-laws did not have a telephone and the inter-state calls were expensive too. I had to cope in silence. But, I drew strength from the regular letters my father and mother sent me. While my mother wrote long letters, my father’s letters would be short and affectionate with a few words of advice, tips and some old and funny anecdotes to keep me smiling. I still treasure those words of wisdom, love and affection as those are the words that gave me the strength, forbearance and maturity to tackle any situation.

For a father, a very important surrogate way to convey affection to his child is by naturally being loving and affectionate to his wife ( the mother). His concern and care for her shows the children the value of love and the strength of partnership. The open affection between husband and wife is one of the most reassuring and stabilizing elements in a growing child’s life.

Children who have grown up in a female dominated family or in the absence of a father, tend to be either lacking in emotional expression, and tend to be imbalanced in their approach to life OR they sometimes tend to be meek and submissive. Similarly, in male dominated families where women play an insignificant role, the male child tends to develop a disregard or disrespect to the females in the family , a trait he learns from the other men in the family.

The two most important things that a father can give his children are Time and Love, but these are the two things he is least lavish with. Some of the strongest memories that kids latch on to, evolve around routine moments of family life – the mere presence of the father. As a kindergarten kid, my earliest memories are of sitting contentedly beside my father while he sipped his coffee and read the news paper. I would barrage him on every word I could read and pictures I saw in the newspaper. He would never lose his temper or shoo me away. But, his absentminded “mmmMMMM – eh?” followed by a simple explanation of what the article was about was enough to keep me happy.

Fathers can be impatient and may not possess the special vision to see the world through the child’s eye. I once remember my friend Srikanth, an ex- basketball player, took his son to watch a basket-ball match that was happening in the neighbourhood. His son soon lost interest and wanted to go out. My friend was upset and regretted having brought his son along on his ‘one’ free day – Sunday ! and also missing a good match. On the ride back home, they came across a science museum. The kid wanted to go in. Srikanth was amazed to see the sparkle in his son’s eyes. The boy would go from exhibit to exhibit and call out to his dad in excitement. Those precious moments showed Srikanth a view of the world from the perspective of his 6 year old. Not to indulge in a mind-set on “this is how things should be” but, to let go and live the moment.

A father is the one who sets the limits. He may not be the only one who wears the trousers in the house, nevertheless, his authority does count as the “ultimate” in some aspects. The saying goes “ spare the rod and spoil the child” , but physical punishment is almost out of fashion amongst most families in the present days. I grew up with my two older siblings. We did our share of mischief and had terrible fights, but not on ONE occasion can I remember my dad even raising his voice to discipline us. When the occasion warranted, all he would have to do is put on a sad grimace and an unhappy nod to convey all he wanted. To displease my dad was something we would never want. He was the epitome of affection and kindness and we all vied for the “most favourite child” post in his heart. To this day, I’d like to believe that ( up until the grandchildren came) I held that post. My poor mother, in spite of all her boundless love for us, had to take on the role of the non-indulgent, stern matron for the lack of disciplining from my father’s side. It is true that most children despise a teacher who has no control – they tend to take advantage. At the same time, disciplining is a tough job as, children usually reject or dislike the one imposing discipline. But, kids have always profited by fair disciplining in the secure background of love. Fathers who are over-indulgent or who do not dare disciplining their child, will only end up punishing the child. “Punishment is something you DO TO a child”, whereas disciplining is something you DO FOR the child.” The disciplining in the form of grounding, No TV, no calls from friends or no cell phone – what ever it be, loving discipline is designed to teach a lesson.

Children who have been disciplined rather than arbitrarily being punished, have never looked back in anger at their childhood years. It is understandable that at least 75% of parents would have resorted to physical punishment at some point of time on some occasion, while rearing their children. The children of these families have been known to grow up as morally sound, mature and sensible and sensitive adults.

What is it then, about fathers ? I can’t really quantify it, but kids do recognize it. The traditional values that fathers impart, the mutual trust, truth and unconditional love are the things that set father’s apart. Despite all that mothers provide, children feel safe and secure in the presence of their fathers.